Teaching Kids to Describe Instead of Explode
Kids feel emotions quickly and intensely. Frustration, jealousy, disappointment, anger, excitement—all of it hits fast, often before they have the words or skills to manage what's happening inside. When those feelings have nowhere to go, they come out as yelling, crying, shutting down, or acting out.
DBT offers a simple and powerful alternative: teach kids to describe instead of explode. This doesn't mean suppressing emotions. It means helping them put language to what's happening before emotions take over their behavior.
What "Describe Instead of Explode" Means
In DBT, the Observe and Describe skills help a person notice what's happening without judgment and put accurate words to it.
For kids, this looks like learning to say:
"My stomach feels tight and I feel mad"
"I feel left out and sad"
"My body feels jumpy and I want to yell"
Instead of screaming, hitting, slamming doors, or melting down. Describing slows things down. It gives the nervous system a moment to pause. It creates space between feeling and action.
Why Kids Explode
Kids aren't being dramatic or manipulative when they explode. Most of the time, they're overwhelmed. Often, their emotions build faster than their ability to think. They don't yet have words for internal experiences. They feel misunderstood or unheard. Their body is already in fight-or-flight mode.
When language is absent, behavior speaks volumes.
Kids often ‘lose it’ because that's the only level of intensity that finally gets a response.(Tough love for parents)
Here's what often gets overlooked: how adults respond to a child's early attempts to communicate matters enormously. When kids express themselves calmly and are met with "because I said so," "this is not up for discussion," "stop arguing," or "do what you're told," they learn something quickly. They learn that describing doesn't work and that their communication will be ignored or receive pushback.
These responses that shut down explanation or curiosity may feel efficient in the moment, but they unintentionally teach kids that softer expressions won't be heard. If a child's words are ignored, dismissed, or punished, the child’s behavior escalates. Not because they want power, but because they want impact.
Over time, this pattern trains kids to skip calm description and jump straight to explosion.
How Description Helps Regulate Emotions
Putting words to sensations and emotions activates parts of the brain involved in regulation and reasoning. It shifts the experience from "everything is happening all at once" to "this is what I'm noticing right now."
Description helps kids feel understood, stay connected during big emotions, learn that feelings are temporary, and gain a sense of control without needing to suppress emotion. When parents respond to their child with listening, explanation, or acknowledgment, kids learn that words are effective.
How Parents Can Teach This Skill
You don't teach this skill during a meltdown. You teach it before and after.
Model description and reasoning
Kids learn language and regulation by watching. Explaining doesn't mean giving in. It means helping kids understand how decisions are made.
"I'm saying no because safety matters here."
"I hear that you're disappointed. My answer is still no, and here's why."
Respond to early, softer communication
Notice and reinforce the first attempt. This teaches kids they don't need to escalate to be heard.
"Thank you for telling me before it got bigger."
"I'm listening. Tell me more."
Name what you see, without judgment
Instead of correcting or shutting down, describe what you see. Avoid labels like rude, dramatic, or disrespectful.
"Your voice is getting louder and your hands are tight"
"It looks like something feels unfair right now"
Offer words when kids are stuck
If a child can't describe yet, gently offer options. This builds emotional vocabulary over time.
"Are you feeling mad, sad, or both?"
"Does your body feel tight or buzzy?"
Praise description, not obedience or calmness
The goal is communication, not compliance.
"I'm really glad you told me what you felt."
"That was hard, and you used your words anyway."
What This Looks Like Over Time
At first, kids may still explode and then describe afterward. That's progress. Parental validation is the key component that determines if the explosions improve. Eventually, the description comes earlier—during the build-up, right at the edge, before the explosion. And sometimes, and then more and more, there is no explosion.
As this pattern strengthens, something shifts in the relationship. The child describes what they're feeling and why. The parent validates that perspective, even if the answer doesn't change. Both people understand where the other is coming from.
The parent is still in charge. Boundaries still matter. But now the child is learning to express their perspective, not just react to decisions. And the parent gets to understand what's actually happening for their kid instead of just managing behavior. Over time, the whole relationship gets calmer. There's less yelling, less shutting down, less tension in the house. Not because the child has learned to be compliant, but because both people feel heard.
A Final Thought
Teaching kids to describe instead of explode isn't about letting kids run the show. It's about teaching them that their inner experience matters and that communication works. When children learn that calm words are met with listening, they no longer need to shout to be understood.
