Why You Still Feel Unsafe After Trauma

You’ve left the toxic relationship. The threat is gone. You’re in a safe home, surrounded by people who care. But your heart still races at sudden sounds. You flinch when someone raises their voice. You feel tired, foggy, disconnected or on edge, like danger is always just one step away.

If this sounds familiar, it’s not that you’re broken or “too sensitive.” Your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do to survive. This is where Polyvagal Theory offers clarity and compassion.

What Is Polyvagal Theory?

Developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, Polyvagal Theory helps us understand how our autonomic nervous system responds to safety and threat. Instead of viewing our stress responses as “overreactions,” it shows us how our bodies are wired to protect us—even long after the danger has passed.

At its core, the theory describes three main states of the nervous system. When the ventral vagal system is active, we feel calm, connected, and grounded. Our body and mind are in harmony. We can make eye contact, speak clearly, and respond thoughtfully. This is the state of safety.

When the sympathetic system takes over, the body prepares for fight or flight. Heart rate increases, adrenaline surges, and muscles tense. You might feel anxious, angry, or hypervigilant. You are ready to defend or escape.

Finally, when the dorsal vagal system is activated, the body goes into shutdown or freeze mode. This happens when the threat feels inescapable. You might feel numb, disconnected, exhausted, or depressed. It’s the body’s last-resort survival strategy.

Trauma: A Nervous System Stuck in Survival Mode

When you experience trauma, especially chronic or relational trauma, your nervous system learns to live in those sympathetic or dorsal states. Even when you’re objectively safe, your body continues to scan for danger. This is why trauma survivors often say things like:

“I know I’m okay, but I don’t feel okay.”
“It’s like my body won’t relax, no matter what.”
“I feel numb, like I’m watching life from the outside.”

Your brain knows you’re safe, but your nervous system hasn’t caught up yet.

The Path to Healing: Re-Tuning Your System

Healing from trauma isn’t about “thinking your way” to calm. It’s about helping your body feel safe again through a process called nervous system regulation.

Start by noticing your states without judgment. Are you in fight or flight (buzzing, anxious, agitated) or freeze (numb, spacey, tired)? Simply recognizing your state builds awareness, which is the first step toward regulation.

Next, use “bottom-up” tools. These techniques that work through the body to calm the mind. Try deep, slow breathing with longer exhales, grounding through touch like holding a warm mug of tea or using a weighted blanket, or gentle movement such as walking, stretching, or rocking.

Seek co-regulation whenever possible. We are wired to regulate through connection. Spend time with calming people, pets, or even soothing voices or music. Safe relationships help signal to your body that the danger has passed.

Finally, consider working with a trauma-informed therapist trained in somatic approaches and Polyvagal Theory. They can help you gradually move out of survival mode and into a state of safety and connection both gently and sustainably.

You Are Not Broken; You’re Wired for Survival

The most important thing to remember is that your body isn’t failing you; it’s protecting you. The same survival strategies that kept you safe before may now be getting in the way of fully living, but with time, safety, and support, your nervous system can learn to soften. You can move from surviving to truly living.

Find out more about our trauma program here.